Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Goodbye, 2013

Before this year ends, I think it would be good to do a post about how the past twelve months have been for me, so that in future, I can look back and see how much I’ve grown since then (which is now) ((do you get me)). This year has been particularly eventful for me because not only it being my O-level year, well…okay fine maybe that’s just it. I’m just kidding, of course, because this was also the year I discovered a bit more about myself, and the relationships I have with other people.
(Also, a disclaimer: this will be an extremely selfish post because the subject is, well, myself.)
I’m not sure how to start this so…
First and foremost, I realised that I am really bad at maintaining a relationship. I find it hard work to ensure that the bonds I have with others are constantly “refreshed”, in a way. It could be that I’m really lazy to talk to other people, even my own friends. Either that or I really cannot be bothered. For example, some of the closer friends I made last year or even the year before are now “demoted” to just ordinary friends. Due to the inconvenience that interacting with them brings (self-initiated conversations etc. as we hardly see each other in our daily lives), I kind of just gave up talking to them. As a result, there is now an awkward distance between us that can still be bridged, but as of now, I’m still too lazy to. I recognise that this is a really bad problem and want to change that. Human relationships are of great importance, not least since they would give you connections and could potentially be of great use. Also, with this laziness/don’t-care attitude, I’ve now only a handful of friends who still are in my close and trusted circle of friends. It makes me really regretful to realise that I’ve lost the once-close relationships I’ve shared with a few of my ex-close friends (what a way to put it). :-( I’ll try to work on that more in 2014.
Aside from that, I also learnt that I am immensely “competitive”. It is not so much of being competitive than wanting to do well. It’s just that along the way, you realise that in order for you to “do well”, you have to be better at (whatever you’re doing) than other people. Many people mistake this as competitiveness. I don’t know what it stemmed from, but I can make a few guesses. My first guess would be that it is my desire to prove myself to others that causes me to strive so hard, maybe even maniacally, for success (again, a very broad term but just bear with me here). I used to often do poorly in exams/competitions/etc. and was used to the disappointed faces of my parents/etc. It’s a very depressing feeling, to know that you are inferior and I got really sick of it. So after my first taste of “success”, I craved the approval of other people whenever I would do well and thus go after the metaphorical trophy like a mad dog. My second theory is actually very close to my first. I could be “competitive” because I enjoy basking in my own glory. HAHAHA this sounds very crude and I’m just kidding. What I mean is that I enjoy the recognition and praise that comes with achievement in various fields. Whenever I get compliments, or hear that other people use myself as a benchmark for themselves, I feel really good about myself. I know this can be quite unhealthy because I’m using other people to help me appreciate myself. Well, that’s just how I feel right now and hopefully I’ll grow out of this childish phase soon.
On another note, I also learnt how to “control” myself with regard to my reputation. I became more aware of my image and realised the importance of having a good reputation. By that I mean that I don’t freely post Facebook statuses/tweets/Instagram photos, but rather think twice (or thrice or four-ice or five-ice) before pressing “Post”. I also don’t talk so much nonsense as before because I do tend to speak without thinking/processing what I’m actually saying and how it may sound like to its recipient. Occasionally I am still guilty of talking faster than thinking but then again, nobody is perfect.
This also applies to my physical image. I now know that everyone is beautiful is his/her own way and that includes me as well. I am very self-conscious about the way I look and it was only this year that I discovered that I am not as horrendous-looking as I had thought myself to be. Granted, this took compliments from other people and my own obsessing over hundreds of photos of myself to realise. Also, I used to go out in whatever clothes I was wearing at home and this consisted mostly of camp T-shirts and sports shorts so that wasn’t exactly very flattering to my image. Anyway, I’m thankful that I’ve finally reached the conclusion that I am decent-looking and no longer have to feel like I’m not. It’s a terrible thing to feel.
Finally, I have cultivated the habit of doing daily devotionals and having QT. Previously, I would do them on an irregular basis, finding excuses to skip it out of pure laziness. However, I’m proud to say that I have made it a habit to read my devotional and Bible every single day. It has made a small difference in the way I live out my life, day by day.
2013 has been a eventful year, definitely. It’s had its fair share of ups and downs, and I wouldn’t mind doing it all over again. Sadly, that’s not possible. So all we can hope for is that 2014 will be a greater and better year for us all. :-)

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