Thursday, January 14, 2016

Crossroads

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately (swimming is the best time for that!), and I feel that I have progressed from where I started but am still terribly lost and confused. At least I sorted out a few personal issues and I guess I'd like to share them here: (mostly so future me can read this hehe)

1. Get rid of my pride. Or at least tone it down a notch.
I am quite a proud person, and it is usually my ego that is in the way of me going out of my comfort zone. Maybe that's also the reason why I feel lonely quite a lot - I am too proud to let others discover my insecurities, so I tend to keep my thoughts and worries to myself, afraid of being judged and ridiculed for them. I know it's bad to care too much about your ego...how do I stop being to conscious about the way others regard me?!?

2. Devoting myself to God does not mean going after worldly goals and conveniently doing God's work as well.
Reading the story of Noah and Abraham today gave me the realisation that everything truly comes from God, including wealth. Abraham followed God's instructions to the T and God let him prosper. A friend once told me that he wanted to achieve worldly success first, and then devoting himself to do God's work. I struggled with this, because a part of me wanted to accept it and adopt that sort of mentality as well. After giving it much thought, I realise that I am okay with living a frugal, simple life, as long as I am doing what please my Heavenly Father. Perhaps it is because I have never truly experienced hardship and suffering that I may make such a claim. Perhaps. But I guess I draw comfort from Matthew 6:25-26 ("Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?") that God will provide, as long as I obey Him.

So what does this mean? I don't want this to be an excuse for laziness. No, life continues as per usual, but I will earnestly seek Him and consult Him on every decision I make. This way, I can be sure to follow God's plan for my life and discover His purpose for me. :)

3. Friendships
My parents have been hinting (very strongly) about the unbalance in my friendships (in terms of gender) for quite a while now. Yet when I think about it objectively, it's not so much of a distorted ratio of close friends but rather, a lack of close friends. As much as I hate to admit it, I don't have a very strong circle of support and I guess it is a bit worrying, given that much of our friend-making days are over (school).

"Your secondary school friends will be your best friends for life." Well, I definitely regret being such a snob in St. Marg's lol as a result, I don't have many super great gal pals - the kinds who will stay by me in the long haul. JC was better, but most of them aren't Christian and I guess this necessarily limits the potential of the relationship. After all, Christians do have an entirely different set of life values and purpose. So in giving advice and support, well, it's just different. Not that I don't appreciate my non-Christian friends. I do, a lot, and I am grateful for each of them. They have played a significant role in my life and perhaps, God placed them here with me because He wants me to reach out to them. This has crossed my mind many times, but I've yet to muster the confidence to share the joy of the Lord to them. Anyway, yes, I wouldn't mind more Christian close friends. Haha.

Lastly,...Ali. Haha. He really is my best friend and I love him as a friend, a brother. A part of me wants to eventually marry him and live with him for ever hahaha, but another part warns me that perhaps my romantic feelings for him are an illusion, just an excuse for me to...to what?! Honestly, I don't know. I definitely want to be close to him for as long as I can, but to be together? I've prayed about this countless times and God seems to be saying Yes each time. But I still have doubts. What if I'm interpreting God's answer to suit my own desires? Furthermore, though our ambitions and expectations of life are more or less the same, our ideas as to how we achieve those things are different. It's like planning a journey- we both have the same destination but want to take different routes. Can a marriage work under such circumstances?

That's about all, for now. Thanks for reading till here :) This really is just a platform for me to ramble and consolidate my thoughts.

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