Friday, May 13, 2016

Figuring out the future with QK, WFKW

Yesterday, Qing Kai and I finally had a proper discussion (?) about our whole relationship hahaha. It has been super long since we last met one-on-one like this, without having to rush to rehearsals or anything. I missed it! Brings back memories of A Level mugging at HML. Not in a lovesick way but more of a I-miss-the-person-I-am-always-comfortable-with-whom-I-can-talk-to-about-anything-and-everthing-and-we-always-have-a-good-time-together thing.

We went for lunch at Saveur and he treated because I was broke and had originally suggested going to RJ canteen HAHAHA (to which he replied "Walao RJ zzz let's go somewhere nice"). The last time I was there was with Jamie, after our lit paper in Sec 4 (or was it Sec 3...o my). I ordered the same thing!!- duck confit, while he ordered the beef bourguignon. Our conversation went something like this blog post: catching up on all the details on each others' lives and avoiding the Big Topic. :P

I only got the guts to broach the Topic after he went to pay at the cashier and even then kept hemming and hawing cos I really didn't know how to put it! I thought I was in tune with my thoughts and feelings and expectations but the whole lunch kind of unsettled me. "Uh oh you're making me nervous" "Are you going to confess to me again?" HAHAHAH ahhhhh it was so horrible. But it came out at long last though I don't really know what to think of the outcome. Basically we established that he should stop thinking that I still like him (do I???? shucks I really don't know!!! but I more or less told him I didn't haha) and I told him about my (failed) attempt at cutting him out of my life. I guess I am a bit disappointed because we didn't really come to a proper conclusion/agreement, or at least the agreement that I had wanted/expected. I was not bold enough and was confused as to what I was trying to say. It's strange, only he has that effect on me. :(

He brought up something I had previously never considered: our relationship was the "limiting reagent" in WFKW!! He felt that the four of us could never truly gel together and it was either the three guys or me and Wei Feng that was most comfortable. Hmm, never really considered that before, but I think there might be a grain of truth in that. After all, our entire friendship had begun from the relationship between Ali and I (when I asked Wei Feng about Ali; he talked about me with them)- could that have far-reaching impacts on our group dynamics now?!? I reflected on this a bit more myself and I realise that as a group, we don't have much in common, other than band and gym and many really memorable shared experiences. Which led me to consider some more: for a social group to stay together, is commonality really that important? How useful is it to have every member in the group similar to one another? Could it be, instead, that because of our differences that we keep our friendship interesting and challenging?

The longevity of our group will be put to the test come the next few years, as Qing Kai and Xiao Feng go off LSE, Wei Ze remains in NS and I start a fresh life in NUS. This made me really miss the familiar environment of school, where there was no real divider and everyone was in the same place, chasing the same goals, together. I really really miss it, yet, there is little benefit in nostalgia. Moving on is difficult, no doubt, and I only pray that I will have the strength to continue life forward, free from the comfort of the past.

I guess what hurts the most is that Qing Kai was the first guy (boy? man?) I really, truly liked. I don't know if it's love but I know he is the only one whose imperfections I accepted (I cannot honestly say that I liked his flaws haha) and whom I imagined a future with. I genuinely believe that we have a shot at For Ever but...well, God knows best and everything happens according to His plan. I am just not sure if it is possible to continue being Just Friends but what I am certain of is that I am not ready to lose him.

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